Hair is everything (and maybe even saves from toxic relationships)

"Hair is everything. We wish it weren't so, so that we could think about something else from time to time. But it is. It makes the difference between a good and a bad day. We tend to think that it's a symbol of power, a symbol of fertility" says Phoebe Waller-Bridge in an episode of Fleabag. Hair is part of our identity. Every strand holds meaning, tells a story. And it always has. From ancient times to the present day, hair has been a symbol of social status, a reflection of personality, and an expression of the aesthetics of the time, but also of femininity, convention, protest, or breaking imposed norms. In ancient Greece, it indicated wealth and class. In the Middle Ages, it had a connection with magic and superstition, considered an external, material extension of the soul. In the Victorian era, hair was linked to emotions, kept in jewelry as a tangible connection between the living and the dead. For Native Americans, it is a symbol of spiritual power and connection to nature. In traditional African cultures, braiding it is a way to preserve cultural identity and sisterhood. In Jewish tradition, covering it is the way married women demonstrate their commitment to their husbands. So, it's easy to dismiss hair as something frivolous, but in reality, hair is a true language that speaks of us and our history. It is never just hair. It is time. It is money. It is effort. It can captivate. Cost a job. Be the means by which we tell the world who we are or the detail that allows us to hide. But it can also save us.

Hair as a survival tactic

Even in love, hair plays a central role. It can attract, even become an erotic fetish, but for those in a toxic relationship, hair often represents a form of self-expression that must be repressed. For an abusive partner, hair—its color, length, and how it's styled—is just another element used to dominate their partner, as much as controlling their movements, who they meet, or what they wear. It's yet another piece of a systematic effort to erode self-esteem, denigrate, and dehumanize the person beside them. There are many testimonies from survivors recounting how their partner was obsessed with their appearance. They decided everything, from clothes to hair; everything had to be how they desired. Everything seemingly impeccable. "Financial and emotional abuse" often go hand in hand with exercising control over a victim's appearance" explains Nicole Branca, executive director of the non-profit New Destiny Housing, which, among other things, deals with domestic violence. "Abusers may allow them to buy only certain clothes and makeup or force them to maintain a particular look, even if it makes them deeply uncomfortable". Within this dynamic of coercive control, changing hairstyles, maybe opting for a drastic cut that makes them less attractive to their partner, becomes the last desperate attempt to repel the abusive partner or the first timid step in an exit plan from the relationship. If sometimes it's an attempt at salvation, much more often cutting one's hair symbolizes overcoming a trauma, saying goodbye to the person they were forced to be, and reclaiming their true identity.

The "therapeutic chop"

Simply put, even in the Disney fairy tale Rapunzel, cutting her long hair is the key to freeing her from captivity and leaving the tower where she spent her entire life. Similarly, for a survivor, that gesture is part of the healing process that responds to the need to feel like a different person than they were with their partner. It represents a kind of catharsis. Going from long blonde hair to a short black bob embodies a renewed sense of power. It's a demonstration that they've regained control and will no longer let others decide their lives. Even if we haven't experienced trauma or a toxic relationship, picking up scissors or dyeing our hair purple remains a widely practiced therapeutic ritual.

Hair holds memories

"I needed a change" says a voiceover, "I needed to be a new person. I was about to cut away the past." It’s just one of the many TikTok videos archived under the hashtags #hairholdsmemories and #hairholdstrauma, which have recently flooded the platform. These are short clips where some women cut their hair or have it cut by their hairdresser, with a caption explaining the decision, reading, "hair holds memories". Some cry and get emotional, while others take it as a game. Thus, pre-Raphaelite locks are transformed into super short pixie cuts, but there are also those who only trim a few centimeters off the ends. What's important is not the length that's cut but the gesture, which symbolizes saying goodbye to the past, to the traumas, and to the experiences that, for better or worse, have marked us. Whether it's about healing from a breakup, a traumatic experience, or even accepting one's sexuality, hair always says much more than it seems. We should learn to listen to its truth.