The emoticons to use for fun and ironic sexting

Facebook and Instagram have recently introduced a series of new rules according to which specific emojis, like the eggplant, the peach and sweat drips, might be censored in sexually explicit conversations or in conversations that might suggest requests for nude imagery. Besides deeper reflections on how our way of communicating has changed, especially when in relation to sex, Zukerberg's company's new policy offers us the opportunity to unleash our imagination and to have fun with ironic sexting that won't be banned. Although those were the most used emojis during those boring nights spent lying in bed exchanging hot texts, technology does not let us down and offers us a handful of valid alternatives to the overused eggplant. 

On Instagram, there are thousands of memes that represent ironically yet realistically how men and women do sexting in a very different way. Men get so involved that they feel the physical need to turn into reality that virtual excitement, while there's a good chance that women are texting while chilling on the couch watching Netflix, in any way impressed or bothered by your hot texts. But not only. It's also very likely that when she texts you 'Oh my God I can't wait to do that', 'So hot for you right now', she's actually in her flat, in her old tracksuit, waiting for her popcorn to be ready. There's no need to say that those super hot selfies wearing lace lingerie and flawless make-up were actually taken at least two weeks before and have already been sent to half the population of the city, but they're always there, in the hidden media, ready to be used in the right moment.

If I were to say how many times sexting turns into close encounters I would say that the percentage would not be high. Maybe here lies the main difference between men and women sexting. For us women it is a mean, almost a mandatory step to reach the actual date and finally concretising what you've been talking about, while for them it can be and it is a self-sufficient moment, whether you've never met in person, whether you are dating or you've been together for a while. We don't need to quote Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus to understand that we see things in our own way, but that doesn't mean that girls don't have fun while sexting, they just don't take it so seriously. 

But let's not get lost in the chatter. You're home at night, lying on your bed and you're in the mood to tease the guy you've gone out for three or four times - you like him, you'd like to see how it goes, but carefully. The conversation is going well, you start saying a few flirty things, you're both not completely explicit, which makes it more interesting. Try sending one of the so-called risky texts: or you'll bomb it and he won't get what you mean, or he will appreciate it and start the sexting. The emoji of the smiley full moon with a slightly psycho look on her face is what you need, it will add a touch of irony that will save your face in case he doesn't get your signals. 

Things get progressively hot, it's a succession of explicit comments, bold statements, it's the right moment to throw that emoji that feels super hot. It could turn into your benchmark, using it means that you're ready for some kinky texts. 

For the romantic and dreamy girls, the unicorn emoji might suggest in a delicate manner what's the kind of bump you'd like to see in his pants. Unicorns are real sometimes. 
In case you don't like being subtle, you need to find be clear and explicit in your intentions. What we're looking for are those phallic-shaped objects. The agriculture field once dominated by the eggplant offers plenty of other possibilities, from the corn to the baguette, from hot dogs to bananas and carrots. We are already feeling hungry. 

The sweat drips that should represent the finalisation of the act are easily replaceable, you just need to use a few metaphors. I warmly recommend the landing aeroplane, for example, or the rainbow, while if you prefer to remain in a bucolic area, the cloud with the rain or the Kanagawa waves never get old. 

We could go on and on discussing the intrusiveness of FB and IG's new policy and its risks for our privacy, it's unquestionable that this decision comes from the intention to protect a lot of women. It might happen, and also very often, to received unsolicited dick pics, even from complete strangers, so it's perfectly normal that you're not okay with it. Now you have the opportunity to respond using the hand emojis that highlight the actual dimensions of his member, or, for the Sherlock Holmes fans, the detective with the magnifying glass will make it clear that you don't see anything relevant, or big enough. You can be sure that you won't receive anything like this again.

Illustrations by Ilaria Colombo