10 types of women that will hit on you on Instagram

I’ve warned you about this: Instagram is the new Tinder. That’s why not only the men but also women, are starting to take advantage of this fertile ground. As it’s in their nature, everything that women do - hitting on men on Instagram included - is much sneaky and complicated, much more than what men are used to, and it’s therefore highly probable that a girl has already hit on you and you guys didn’t even notice. Very often women differentiate and distinguish themselves depending on the topic, that’s to say they start out with the one they feel most confident on and on which they’re more likely to carry on a successful conversation, not always innocent, not always with strings attached. I bet that all this vagueness and ambiguity is not very helpful for you guys, that are desperately trying to understand if there’s the concrete chance to end up in bed. Unfortunately, I can’t comfort you very much. Remember though that if it's the woman who makes the first move and sends the first text, you have really high odds to be successful, you have just to figure out how. 

Below I’ve made a list of 10 types of women that are likely to hit on men on Instagram, so guys, this list is for you. Read this catalogue carefully, print it and hang it above your bed, keep it safe in your wallet next to that 2-year-old-never-used condom you keep there, make good use of it when a girl hits you up on Instagram. As in the case of the 10 types of men that will hit on you on Instagram, I’ve worked on generalizations and descriptions that might vary, but as the author is a woman I’ve tried to be as much self-critical and honest as possible.

#1 The hot one 

It has happened to everyone to post a hotter than usual selfie, maybe showing a sculpted ass after a good series of squats or showing the tanned cleavage. If on one side it’s one of the vainest and cocky operations that social media have actually cleared and encouraged, it’s also true that men’s reactions are a big testing ground and a great moment of revelation for women, that in this case is actually hitting on men without even moving a finger. We’ve all been there at least once in our lives, but as it went for the fire-starter and the horny one, keep in mind that is always the woman that has the power to decide whether to go all the way. A tip: creative and ironic texts are always welcome and appreciated, the tackier you are, the more chances you have to get blocked. I’ve warned you. 

#2 The shameless one 

A tank - that often moves forward blindfolded. If she has a goal be sure that she’ll do anything she needs to reach it, even if it means reacting to stories and posts that portray her target along with his girlfriend. She’s basically the nightmare of every girlfriend, that woman who pretends to be just a friend, so be careful guys on how you answer. But if you’re actually single and interested, it’s a piece of cake. 

#3 The one with a boyfriend

It’s true, this category exists and flourishes above all in its male counterpart, but belonging to a more advanced and intelligent species, women undertake more specific actions. Whether it’s a healthy and happy relationship or there’s a crisis, women too have that crush they would be ready to cheat with, or that just fantasize about. Replying to their Story might be a kind of plan for the future - ‘As soon as I’m single I will fully focus on him’-, or it might be a simple test to understand if he’s interested or, more importantly, to understand if she’d have the guts to actually cheat. Be sure that in the 85% of the cases, it will be the man to text her again, falling into a trap hard to survive. 

#4 The chatty one 

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10 types of men that will hit on you on Instagram

Beware of the definition, as it might be misleading. This type of woman first generated and flourished on Tinder before moving to Instagram: she’s the type of woman that on her Tinder bio wrote ‘I don’t even know what I’m doing here’. Translated: I was curious, I’d like to fuck, but I’m reticent and I will drag it out so much that I won’t do anything with anyone. The mechanism repeats itself also on Instagram when the aforementioned girl starts texting the man often engaging in deep and meaningful conversations, getting to the point to text each other every day. When asked if they’d like to meet for a drink she will eventually say yes, only to later say that she’s always busy and that she really can’t make it for that time at that place. Be patient, but only if it’s worth it. 

#5 The music fan 

She’s only waiting for your Spotify screenshots to prove to you that she’s been following that band since 2010. It’s a fertile ground, there might be actually a chance to get laid, be careful with the songs she sends you or suggests you listen - they might hide secret massages, date proposals or even more hot ideas. Keep your eyes and ears open.

#6 The stalker

There’s a little stalker in all of us. In some people, though, it has turned into a full-time job. Things might get scary when the girl you’ve seen once in that crowded club last Saturday night starts mysteriously following you on IG a few days after. It’s highly probable that the man did not even notice her, and therefore might fall in the trap. But if he actually remembers seeing her, it will be wise to proceed with caution. 

#7 The philosopher 

Pictures of pasta dishes, sunsets, landscapes, even the photos of her in a bathing suit on the beach are posted along with quotes by Baudelaire, Bukowski, in the worst cases by Alessandro D’Avenia and Fabio Volo: because she’s a smart, educated woman who can think and decide with her own mind, and has to prove it in every way. In her Stories she posts only inspirational quotes and statements on bravery and on reaching our goals; when she feels really creative she turns her profile into a blog where she recounts her day and her misadventures as if other people were interested. In the wretched case, you get a message from a girl like her run like hell. 

#8 The friendly one 

She comments only with innocent messages, she often replies to Stories with a joke or a funny comment, she’s always very friendly, but never too expansive. This is the hardest prototype of women to identify - and to conquer. The reasons why she behaves like this might be different: she’s returned single after a long time and would like to get back in the game; she’s actually hitting on you but she’s shy and doesn’t know how to do it; she’s hitting on you but after her first move she’d like the man to carry on the exchange; she’s not interested, she only enjoys chatting with you once in a while. The possible scenarios are really a lot, but this is the category that might give you the biggest joys, and also the most bitter disappointments. Unfortunately, if she continues to be unclear in her intentions, it’s up to you to ask a direct question or to end the conversation. There’s no coming back, think things over. 

#9 The sneakerhead

It’s the question that keeps me up at night: is it possible to fuck in the sneaker game or not? It’s a slippery slope, as commenting a new cop or asking for advice on how to get a rare sneaker might also be without strings attached (unbelievable, I know). The only option is trying to continue the conversation on different topics, discussing not only of releases, Nike and New Balance, to see if the interest continues on both sides. Let me know how it goes, I’m very curious. 

#10 The sporty one 

Despite my not wide knowledge on the sports and gym universe, it seems to me that the world of abs and sculpted muscles are a highly populated land, where reacting to a shirtless selfie might mean starting a conversation on the best diets, the most valid gym programs and the most effective exercises. If she asks you to train together or for a tip, the game is done. 

#Bonus: the normal one 

Well yes, there are also normal women out there: girls that simply decide to text a guy to get to know him better, to chat with him, sometimes to get laid. It’s rare, but it happens. 

Illustrations by Ilaria Colombo