How to survive to Valentine's Day

Who fucks on Valentine's Day fucks all year round? Is that how it works?

It's with this seed of doubt in the head that has begun what in theory should be the most romantic day of the year - that still remains the commercial holiday par excellence, unnecessarily told, re-told and celebrated in rom-comedies that usually have Ashton Kutcher as protagonist. It's a socially-induced anxiety that with few exclusions  takes over everyone on February 14th. Everyone is looking for a special evening, a special program, an alternative to staying at home on the couch. Perhaps what's worse than dinners for two are only those Make-Out Party-style evenings that want to make the participants mate at all costs. 

Legend has it that Valentine had been imprisoned for illegally celebrating marriages, the Roman Empire wanted its soldiers unmarried and therefore more valiant , although there is no real evidence of this ban. It's strange to think that the current Valentine's Day corrispective could be Jovanotti celebrating weddings among his fans in that nightmare that must have been Jova Beach Party. 

There are countless times during this occasion I found myself queuing at the checkout of a supermarket with a man (of any age and social background) whose purchases consisted of almost withered end-of-day roses, but still quite alive to symbolize a gesture and a thought of love. You see them wandering, lost, frightened, fearing that they have taken the wrong gift anyway, an army of invertebrate men, at the mercy of their companions. In any case there are gifts that  become unacceptable if their giver is older than 13 years, such as teddy bears and heart-themed pillows. By the way, you can find here all other inspirations to avoid. 

Momentarily forgetting candlelit dinners, chocolates and lingerie, and coming back to reality for a moment: Does people actually have sex on Valentine's Day or not?

February 14th is the perfect day for the spreading and growth of a new type of hunter on Instagram: the man who seeks the hook up with a passive/aggressive attitude that partly judges, partly mocks, and partly takes advantage of the situation of singleness of their chosen girl. Everything will depend on the mood of the latter, how much the horniness component will prevail and how much personal pride will prevail. It's a very subtle balance. For those who are really brave there is always a chance to try to reply to some already-taken girl's Instagram Stories and posts, maybe while she poses with her sweetheart. Who knows that maybe it's all a facade and they really don't expect anything else? Try this at your own peril. 

If you decide to go out, have a drink or maybe go clubbin, please mind your dignity: don't panic about having to hook up at all costs, you won't be better people just because you can bring someone home tonight. Tomorrow will still be February 15th and you will wake up next to a regretful choice. In case you didn't really know how to break the ice with a girl you keep eye-contacting throughout the evening, I'll leave you some cues (I'm too good, I know): have you heard the new Tame Impala album? and Liberato's new single? Have you already started the new season of Narcos: Mexico or are you waiting for the return of Stranger Things? But please, avoid at all costs the tales of past Valentine's Days in the company of former sweet halves. Again, mind your dignity.

If this Valentine's Day will be marked by your own anger for a failed relationship, you can do like Monica, Rachel and Phoebe in Friends and make a bonfire with your ex's items, or, just for today, on the site of the San Antonio, Texas Zoo, for just 5 dollars you can give the name of your ex to a cockroach. You already feel better, don't you? 

Perhaps more on the evening of the 14th what should worry you is waking up on Saturday morning, and not because you will have next to someone you do not expect. Whether you're happily single or sadly lonely, avoid shrugging Instagram as soon as you wake up, you'll find yourself in front of a virtually endless series of romantic Stories, posts with tear-jerking dedications, you'll keep hearing John Legend's voice everywhere. Even less inviting is the scenario in which the night before you stoned yourself to death to forget your problems: they will come back in front of you the next morning and it will not be pleasant.