How do you make a relationship healthier?

Relationships are hard work. One thing that’s certain is that for many of us long-term relationships don’t always flow easily. It’s peaks and valleys — sometimes things are great, and you’re feeling super in sync with your partner, and the next minute, everything is off and you might not be sure why.  This constant fluctuation in relationships is normal, just as it is with any kind of relationship, but what happens when you find yourself in a few too many valleys? If you’re in a relationship that’s in more low points than you’d like, here are a few tips for how to make your relationship better. 

A State-of-the-Relationship conversation

In long-term relationships, one of the reasons you could be in a rut can have to do with a lack of excitement and newness. You may look outside your relationship for a thrill, whether through spending more time with friends or pursuing other passions and leaving your partner behind. Esther Perel, a leading sex and relationships therapist, shared, “Modern relationships are cauldrons of contradictory longings: safety and excitement, grounding and transcendence, the comfort of love and the heat of passion. We want it all and, in long-term monogamous relationships, we want it with one person.” Dr. Perel is correct; sometimes, we want it all, but we don’t know how to get it from our partner. If you realize this is happening and feel yourself pulling away from your partner, dig deep and ask yourself why. Once you’re clear with yourself and your feelings, open up a State of the Union conversation for your relationship — meaning, sit your partner down and explicitly talk about what you’re feeling and, now this is the important part, provide possible solutions. Ensure that you don’t just dump your feelings on your partner and instead work to make the conversation a safe space. 

Consistent quality time

Your parents might have told you about this tip, and unfortunately, they’re right. Quality time is one of the best ways to keep your relationship healthy. However, it’s important to note here that “quality time” isn’t time spent with friends and your partner or time spent sitting in the same room doing nothing together. What we mean by “quality time” is direct one-on-one moments where you can enjoy time with your partner, have genuine conversations, learn more about each other, or do fun activities together. If your relationship is in need of a boost, try going out on dates once a week — plan something in advance, like roller skating, book shopping, or even going to an arcade. One fun idea could be to invite your partner on a book hunt. Each of you has to find a book for the other to read that you think they’d like. After you pick out your books, you head to a cafe, exchange, and talk about why you chose that book for them. 

Spicing up your (emotional) sex life

When relationships are at a low point, usually, sex is the first thing to go, which can lead to even more issues. If you’re in a relationship where it feels uncomfortable to have sex with your partner or where you’re “just not feeling it,” talk to your partner about it. Maybe the two of you can come together to discuss what’s going on. Sex is just one form of intimacy, which in long-term relationships can be linked to your emotional intimacy, so if you’re not in the mood for sex, maybe it’s time to have a conversation with your partner and get comfortable with your emotions. 

Journaling your feelings

Writing out how you feel, especially if your partner is annoying you, can be a productive way of getting the harsh feelings out before having a conversation. It can be beneficial to get the raw, hurt, or angry feelings out constructively through journaling. Then, when you’re ready to speak to your partner, you can do so calmly while having notes to look back on. In relationships, communication is key. However, in healthy relationships, healthy communication is key, meaning speaking to your partner in ways that won’t upset them while still conveying your feelings. 

Embrace the love languages

Everyone has a love language, the way in which they express their love and like to receive it. 

The most common love languages are:

Giving and receiving gifts

Physical touch

Words of affirmation

Acts of service

Quality time 

A person’s love language can vary, and some people might even have more than one, but it’s important to know yours as well as your partner's so that you understand how you like to receive love and how they do as well. If your connection with your partner feels strained, ask yourself if you’ve been receiving love the way you need and if you’ve been giving them the love they need as well. Checking in on your partner through their love language is one way to show that you care, you love them, and you want to work things out. For example, for someone whose love language is physical touch, checking in on them could look like giving little hugs throughout the day or grabbing them for a small kiss. Tapping into love languages is a small gesture that can make a big difference. 

Love is complicated, relationships are complex, and while we’re not relationship experts, these are a few tips that can help pick up any relationship and get it to a healthier place. 

*Please note that this article does not advocate for staying in abusive relationships. If you’re in an abusive relationship, seek help from the necessary professionals.