For a (almost) diplomatic Christmas

During Christmas, most people return home to spend it with their relatives. It's not obligatory, of course. Embracing everyone is always lovely, especially if it's been a while since you've seen them. However, with distant relatives or those with a penchant for outspokenness, a diplomatic incident is just around the corner. A wrong word, an indiscreet question, a reference to politics (foreign or domestic, it doesn't matter these days), and a discussion erupts. Depending on the family's level of warmth, quarrelsomeness, and passion, it can turn into a real rift, a high-level drama that spoils the mood for everyone and makes the children cry. For the more courageous souls, it's an opportunity to defend their ideas. Not everyone is up for it and not everyone simply wants to shoulder the responsibility of educating an entire crew of relatives. For those who prefer to avoid arguments, we've tried to create a kind of guide to diplomatic responses to undiplomatic questions, to avoid conflicts and enter 2024 in a meditative manner, free from tensions that have built up in these challenging months. The trick? Always feel in the right and smile a lot, even through gritted teeth.

Body Comments

At the top of unpleasant comments alongside lasagna are those about food and body. You eat too much, you eat too little, have you lost or gained weight, what puffy cheeks, oh, how thin you are, but are you pregnant? Sometimes, comments shift from the body to general aesthetics. Have you thought about cutting your hair? Why don't you shave your beard? This color doesn't suit you, and this lipstick looks worse. The right response would be an angry monologue about the freedom to be and eat what one wants and the importance of not commenting on others' bodies to avoid triggering unhealthy behaviors and negative self-perceptions. However, it's not always the right time, especially if you're talking to a 92-year-old aunt. A non-violent alternative? Smile very broadly and say, "Aunt, I actually think you look great. I'd prefer if you didn't talk about my body, as I like it just the way it is. I've worked hard on my self-image, self-esteem, and self-love, and I'd appreciate it if other people respected that. Would you like a slice of pandoro?"

When Are You Getting Engaged/Married/Having Kids?

Another classic is related to relationships. You approach your 30s, and suddenly, it's no longer acceptable for you to be "alone." Your cousins have been parading their partners in front of grandma since they were 18, and you always come empty-handed. Emotional blackmail abounds, and the more malicious even speculate on your sexual orientation. They think you don't know, but you've heard them. Not that having a partner saves you from the next level of intrusiveness, anyway. When are you getting married? And a child? Do you live together? The point is not the question itself, but the intrusion into your private life. A polite but firm response could be: "Hi, grandma. I really appreciate your concern for me. I assure you that there's a lot of love and affection in my life, from my friends and my family. Right now, I'm too focused on work/school and don't have time to actively seek a relationship/a child or plan a wedding. When it happens, you'll be the first to know. In the meantime, though, I'd like us to talk about me independently of a partner, as I'm working hard to build a life that aligns with my ideals and priorities." Will it work? It's not guaranteed 100%, but at least you've tried. Hopefully, without creating long faces and awkward silences.

And Your Degree?

Sometimes it seems like the people you deal with at Christmas are just trying to pinpoint your weak spot. Are you in a relationship? They ask about your degree. Are you graduated? They ask about your relationship. And if you've just been through an academically challenging period, are studying for the next session, or have just passed a week of exams (and maybe you're a bit behind or your GPA has just dropped a bit), these questions can feel like squeezing lemon juice on a wound. You might want to get defensive, maybe even cry. To turn the situation around without exposing yourself too much, you could say: "Dear cousin. My academic situation is progressing steadily. I'm doing my best, also considering preserving my mental health and social life, which seems a priority to me. I've overcome a very tough hurdle and am very proud of what I've achieved. How about you with calculus 1?"

You're Not Ambitious Enough

You've graduated. You're ecstatic, and you'd like to take a break for a while. Disconnect your brain, open gifts. Not possible. Here come the questions about work. What will you do now? But does your field even have jobs? How much do they pay you? And if you've been working for a while, here come the questions: are you planning to ask for a raise? Are you getting a mortgage? Oh my, but they're exploiting you. In short, you can't live in peace. Even asking for a moment of respite is okay. Setting boundaries, specifying that you don't want to discuss certain things at the Christmas Eve table, and that your priorities are different from others. And if these people don't respect your desire to respect yourself, maybe it's better to talk to someone else. Without anger, but firmly.

Comparisons with Others

Sometimes our relatives turn into evil geniuses, and they would do anything to put us in a difficult position. It's not that they do it maliciously; they just feel entitled to do so because they are older, more secure, simply unaware of what constant comparisons and fueling competition - among peers, cousins, or where we are now compared to where they were at our age - can do to a person who might be going through a complex period or has decided to do everything at their own pace. Instead of breaking chairs on tables and throwing wine glasses against the walls, we can try to explain that everyone's life paths are different, and it's right and beautiful that it's so. Or, if we feel cornered, we can play our trump card, namely: those were different times. Not in the sense they mean, but in the sense that life is different now. Some study and some work, some want children and some don't, some prioritize the desire to get married, some prioritize work, some prioritize their passions and the desire to build an alternative support community. We have alternatives. Explaining your point of view is always more constructive, even if it's not easy and certainly not obligatory. It's up to you to understand who it's worth discussing with and who it's not, for better or for worse.

Current Events and Sexism

After the third glass of post-lunch (or dinner) bitters, even grandma's living room becomes a bar counter. Including conversations. As soon as you hear the name Giorgia Meloni, shivers run down your spine. What will they say? What will you say? Keeping quiet is difficult, but politics (and current events in general) is a slippery slope. There are two or three paths: leave the room, lock yourself in the bathroom, and scream with all the breath in your body like Kendall Roy in that episode of Succession, argue until you lose your voice and call even the chairs fascists, or express your opinion in a measured way, explain your motivations and views calmly like a Tibetan monk. The risk? Being treated with condescension. When it comes to sexism, though, things change a bit. If some words you don't like come up, misogynistic speeches, and so on, you could say: "As a woman victim of a culture that your words and your choice of language are fueling, please stop talking like this in front of me. I can't accept it, and it hurts me. I am your daughter/niece/sister/cousin, and I'm telling you that your attitude harms all the women in your family and beyond. If you want, I can also explain why. Are you willing to listen?"

The Importance of Civil Debate and Knowing When to Stop

Not all meals with relatives are a time bomb. There are families without intrusive uncles, without devil's advocates, and without controversial opinions. Their members have been spared by a higher power, and they will eat their panettone at the gates of heaven or something like that. For everyone else, we've tried to give some suggestions. The truth, however, is that sometimes, to protect your peace of mind, it's okay to stay silent. It's up to us to understand when it's worth doing what and, above all, to know when too much is too much, understanding our context and the people we're dealing with. Not all discussions are constructive, and not all discussions turn into hell. Our reality lies in between, and it's up to us to decide how to navigate it.