How to get over a breakup

Why does my heart suffer so? Why does my soul suffer so? The short answer is that breaking up sucks. Even when it's the right thing to do. Even when we made the decision ourselves. Writers, artists, poets, and songwriters have understood this for a long time, offering us works for centuries that help us revel in pain, channel anger, and rise gloriously from our miseries. Now, scientists are catching on, and more studies, after years of focusing simply on the process of falling in love, are beginning to investigate the end of love. The big discovery? Saying goodbye to our better half is painful. Not just emotionally. And if, after our paths have diverged, we feel not only sadness, anger, a sense of loss, loneliness, but also as if our hearts are breaking and every other fiber of our bodies is crying, it's not so unusual. In fact.

The anatomy of heartbreak is real

In 2010, psychologist Professor Art Aron, neuroscientist Dr. Lucy Brown, and biological anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher conducted a study that examined the brains of people with a broken heart. When participants looked at photos or talked about the person who rejected them, they cried, trembled, and became angry. Their brain scans showed that the emotions of the participants triggered activity in the insular cortex and anterior cingulate cortex, the same brain areas associated with physical pain. In particular, our brain can process breakups in a way that resembles withdrawal from addiction. It can even temporarily weaken the cardiac muscle, causing a condition called broken heart syndrome or Takotsubo cardiomyopathy, a phenomenon first identified in 1990 in Japan when people experienced symptoms similar to a heart attack after a devastating earthquake had destroyed their city. After a traumatic event, stress hormones can weaken the left ventricle, which can no longer pump effectively, giving in and mimicking the symptoms of a heart attack.

A matter of chemistry

Several studies have shown that intense emotions and desires provoked by a breakup can be similar to withdrawal symptoms experienced by those trying to overcome addiction to alcohol and drugs. It goes beyond the strong attachment or emotional bond that develops in a romantic relationship, often creating a sense of codependency that, when lost, makes us feel a strong desire to go back, even months after the goodbye. It's a matter of brain chemistry. Romantic love releases a wave of brain chemicals that make us feel good: an intoxicating cocktail of oxytocin, also known as the "love hormone", dopamine, a neurotransmitter associated with pleasure and reward, and serotonin, which helps regulate our mood and is associated with happiness. When we say goodbye to someone we loved, we experience a loss of the regular supply of these neurotransmitters and go into neurological withdrawal. This deficit, in some cases, can make us feel anxious, depressed, and lonely. In this state, our brain desperately seeks to replace these chemicals. Some do it by bingeing on chocolate, some indulge in shopping, some listen to the Sufjan Stevens loop, some call the ex in the middle of the night, and some engage in rebound relationships, searching for a substitute to fill that "void," both chemical and emotional.

What happens in our brain when we break up with someone?

When we go through a breakup, we are subjected to a bombardment of emotions, and in our brain, in addition to those similar to withdrawal effects, a series of mechanisms and physiological responses are triggered that could influence how we feel and behave. The prefrontal cortex, crucial for decision-making and rational thinking, experiences a decrease in activity, at least until stress levels decrease. This often happens because humans seek rational explanations and logical solutions that breakups usually do not offer. So, it becomes more challenging to think clearly and make rational decisions. Hence, it's no wonder if we opt for a drastic and eccentric haircut or if we burst into tears during an episode of Friends. Moreover, according to various studies, the pain of a breakup could also be rooted in basic instincts of survival: we are social creatures, and our brain has evolved to help us preserve bonds. The loss of any of these, including romantic ones, triggers a wave of activity in the amygdala, initiating the fight or flight response, as being rejected by a tribe could mean death. So, facing a T Rex or getting dumped end up being the same cause of strong negative feelings.

Not all bad things come to harm

Psychologist Gaia Cavalleri reminds us that almost everyone will experience the end of a romantic relationship at some point in their life, and the breakup or divorce can initially lead to negative outcomes like depression. In fact, when people are asked how a recent relationship closure has influenced them, they list numerous negative feelings such as loneliness, distress, and a loss of self or a sense of who they are as a person. Sometimes, however, we tend to overestimate our fears. Cavalleri emphasizes that there is a growing body of literature based on positive psychology that examines the "benefits" of a sentimental debacle and has found that it can also promote personal growth and prosperity, especially if these were limited during the relationship.

How to overcome a breakup

Just as there are no real stages that everyone experiences in a pre-established order, there are no universal remedies to feel better immediately. Nor is there a standard time in which it is "normal" or "acceptable" to experience negative feelings. "This depends on many internal factors (our personality, our life history, our coping strategies...) and external factors (the context in which we live, the type of relationship, age, if there were life/children plans, the social network...)", emphasizes Cavalleri, reminding us that "it can be helpful to undergo psychological therapy, as it allows acquiring the tools to cope with emotional issues." Even though each of us has our own way and time of experiencing the end of a story, experts agree on small steps helpful in channeling these feelings towards a healthy way of reflecting and "narrativizing" a finished relationship:

• Allow ourselves to feel our emotions. Whatever they may be: sadness, anger, emptiness, confusion, loneliness, pain. All are valid emotions even if uncomfortable, which is why people often try to avoid them.
• Remember to be kind to ourselves. Recovering from a breakup is a journey of highs and lows because often, we grieve not only the end of a love but also the hopes and expectations we had for the future.
• Writing can help. According to Cavalleri, "one of the activities that seems to be particularly productive is creative writing or journaling, as it allows dealing with the end of the relationship through cognitive processing." Others recommend writing a letter to the ex-partner but not sending it. Noting down our feelings on paper honestly and brutally can help gain clarity and perhaps finding answers to unanswered questions that haunt us.
• Trust in our support network. Open up to them and let our family and friends support us and make us feel loved.
• Reconnect with ourselves. Sometimes in a relationship, we set aside hobbies, activities, and things that make us happy because the other person does not share them. A breakup allows us to resume doing them and enjoy them, but it is also a good opportunity to step out of our comfort zone and try something new.
• Consider therapy. When a relationship ends, a series of reactions and physiological responses are triggered in our brain and body that translate into discomfort and, sometimes, real physical pain. We may feel overwhelmed to the point of feeling depressed or questioning our identity radically. Embarking on a journey with a therapist can give us the tools to deal with this.