The candid girlfriend theory has missed the point

What do men want from women? Hard to say. A theory emerged in recent days from Subway Takes - a TikTok series where passengers of New York City public transport are interviewed - claims to have figured it out. In an episode that went viral comedian Kareem Rahma, the show's host, asked the cabaret performer Stef Dag her most controversial opinion, and the girl had no doubts: "All guys think they want to date a cool, hot, artistic girl with bangs and a bad relationship with her father, but it's not like that at all. What all the guys in New York want is a candid girlfriend."

The profile of the perfect girlfriend, or candid girlfriend

Dag vividly describes the characteristics of the candid girlfriend: "She's about five feet nine, slim, with dark brown hair down to her shoulders. She's from New Hampshire, maybe studied Art History. She likes pomegranates and her boyfriend thinks she's the most eccentric and adorable thing in the world." For Dag, the candid girlfriend is a kind of prototype of the pick-me-girl, empty and insignificant, entirely to be built from scratch. And it will be her boyfriend who does it, of course. That's precisely why it works: "She's essentially a blank canvas, beautiful but bland, that men are attracted to because they can make her an inspiring muse," concludes Dag.

Reactions to Stef Dag's theory

The Subway Takes video has amassed millions of views and diverse opinions. Some believe Dag is right and list fictional characters and celebrities who could fit the description of a candid girlfriend such as Alexa Chung, Guinevere Beck from You, Jess Keogh, and Suki Waterhouse. A second group of people thinks her criticisms are unfairly directed at women when they should instead be aimed at men who project their fantasies onto their partners. Still, others believe Dag suffers from internalized misogyny and has started belittling women only to underscore her own diversity and superiority. The problem, however, is this: perhaps there's some truth in the theory that men tend to desire a woman they see as inferior to them intellectually, economically, and professionally.

Equality between man and woman is distant, even in relationships

What men claim to desire and what they actually desire is often very different. Various studies have found that despite heterosexual men often claiming to want intelligent, interesting, and successful women by their side, they actually prefer partners they perceive as less intelligent. In particular, some researchers working for Columbia University have found that men appreciate women's intelligence only until it equals or exceeds theirs. Moreover, it seems true that they feel discouraged and diminished by women's ambition and having a partner who earns more than them. In short, the debate on the candid girlfriend highlights how men tend to project their fantasies onto women who, in turn, strive to conform.

To be a woman is to perform

Being a woman is a continuous performance. First, they tell you to be good and pretty. Always smiling, accommodating. Then they convince you that this isn't enough. You have to have a career, be strong, independent, a girlboss. Then both at the same time, an expert juggler who juggles between career and family, between traditional beauty standards to break down and diet culture. They think women are all like Alice in Wonderland: just eat a piece of mushroom to grow taller, a piece of cake to be slimmer, and so on. And we kind of believe it too. Because that's how, consciously or not, we've been raised: adaptable and always ready to pretend to please.

An induced desire to eradicate

How do we break this vicious circle? How do we rid ourselves of a mechanism so internalized that it often drives us to act in a certain way entirely unconsciously? It's complicated. The first answer might be to understand if our actions and desires are really ours or just the result of a habit, of wanting to adhere to what others expect from us. Once done, we should find the strength to rebel, to put ourselves at the center of our lives. Because performing all the time, trying to always fit the situation, playing a role that isn't ours is truly exhausting. So let's stop, even if it means not pleasing someone.