Is oversharing the end of your relationship online good for you?

Jeyenne Romo, a nurse from Arizona, decided to announce her breakup with her boyfriend through a simple yet striking Instagram carousel. The post first showed a romantic couple photo, followed by a screenshot of her ex's Tinder profile. Yes, a cheating scandal shared with the world that, brought back to light on TikTok after 4 years, continues to be a topic of conversation. Jeyenna used humor to tell her story, showing that breakups should also be announced, and she is not alone. The public debate seems to be divided: some find this gesture inappropriate, out of place, a full-on oversharing and disrespectful to the end of a relationship. On the other hand, some believe that such actions can help us move on and process it better. Is it true?

What is oversharing? The psychologist's perspective

There isn’t a single answer to the question "what to do after a breakup?", but to help us, we asked for the opinion of Gaia Cavalleri, a psychologist. Let's start from the beginning. Oversharing is defined as: "The disclosure of an excessive or inappropriate amount of personal information, especially in contexts where such information is unexpected or unwarranted. This occurs both online and offline, often creating discomfort or embarrassment for those who receive the information and sometimes regret for those who share too much." What does this have to do with psychology? Everything. "Oversharing is a multifaceted phenomenon rooted in fulfilling psychological needs, often acting as a defense mechanism to cope with events that shake us. Understanding the reasons behind this phenomenon allows us to approach it with awareness, creating healthier connections both online and offline," the psychotherapist explains.

Is sharing private matters online beneficial?

The positive aspects of this habit are not lacking, according to Cavalleri: "Sharing details about your personal life can be liberating and allows you to get different perspectives, helping you figure out the best way to handle a situation or organize your thoughts. In fact, personal revelations can create intimacy and connection between two or more interlocutors (it’s no coincidence that gossip can also create a strong sense of group belonging – Jolly et al. 2021)." Gaia also points out that this tendency has ancient origins, even intrinsic to human nature: "According to Carbone and Lowenstein (2023), oversharing stems from the fact that personal revelations trigger an intensified emotional response, generating a marked enthusiasm to continue the conversation. The researchers also argue that oversharing is nothing more than a primitive search engine, necessary for survival. Through communication and the exchange of personal experiences, our ancestors were able to learn better hunting techniques or protect themselves from the elements, but also to motivate members of a social group to follow certain rules and maintain order and group cohesion."

The negative aspects of oversharing

The psychologist sheds light on the issue and invites us to reflect on the fact that sharing private matters online can also have many negative aspects: "You need to be careful about the people you share certain anecdotes with because it can lead to negative consequences. When we are in a state of intense nervousness or excitement, it can be difficult to stay silent or avoid disclosing certain information. According to research by Shabahang et al. (2022), oversharing online is linked to anxious states, attention-seeking behavior, and social media addiction. Individuals often turn to followers to cope with feelings of loneliness and make friends online when they struggle with real-world connections. Although this can often be a real source of support and a space to be heard when feeling marginalized or ignored, oversharing online can also create a false sense of closeness with a large audience, fueling the belief in significant connections that may actually be superficial."

How to handle a breakup and avoid oversharing

If you find yourself in a difficult moment and feel you don’t have the tools to best handle the end of a relationship, we recommend consulting a specialist. Gaia Cavalleri clarifies: "When dealing with overwhelming emotions, not having the right tools for emotional self-regulation can lead to one-sided outbursts. Oversharing, especially during difficult times, can be an attempt to make sense of one's emotions and seek support from others. Additional psychological factors involved in oversharing include a depletion of self-control. Research shows that for those suffering from social anxiety, social interaction can be exhausting due to the process of using mental resources to manage anxiety and avoid social rejection. This leads to a lack of self-control, resulting in uninhibited sharing." And that's not all: "Another psychological factor contributing to oversharing is narcissism. Individuals with narcissistic tendencies may have an insatiable desire for attention and admiration, seeking to satisfy it by sharing personal achievements, experiences, or even difficulties on a public platform."

What to do instead of oversharing

The psychotherapist's conclusion leaves no doubt: "Despite meeting immediate psychological needs, the constant search for validation through oversharing can lead to a cycle of dependency on external affirmation. Cultivating intrinsic self-esteem and resilience can help avoid relying solely on external validation, which is often fleeting and unpredictable." So how can you avoid oversharing? One piece of advice is to always think about balancing the conversation, speaking but also making sure to truly listen and respond meaningfully, without monopolizing the conversation. Another age-old but still relevant tip: before speaking, tweeting, or posting on TikTok, wait a bit, take a pause, and come back with a clear mind. Does it still make sense? Finally, identify, explore, and learn to manage your triggers. What drives you to overshare? Breaking down the mechanism is the first step to resolving it.