Are we tired of always having to answer the phone?

"You were online, you didn’t reply, but you had time to post an Instagram story. That's disrespectful": have you ever received a message like this? If the answer is yes, and it made you feel guilty, we can help clarify this behavior, which characterizes modern relationships and plagues contemporary dating. When interacting with someone, many questions arise. Who should make the first move? How long should you wait before getting into a new relationship after a breakup? And so on. However, there’s a particular topic that’s been setting social media on fire recently: the phenomenon of hyper-availability or toxic availability. This refers to the dynamic that arises when we choose to withdraw from communication because we don’t feel like responding or—quite simply—because it’s not a priority at that moment. If someone in your life, be it a partner, a friend, or your boss, expects you to always be available and believes it’s wrong for you to respond when you feel like it, you might also be a victim of this mechanism.

Hyper-availability according to a psychologist

Psychologist and criminologist Sara Cutrale explains that the term hyper-availability refers to the growing expectation in contemporary society of being constantly available and reachable, especially in work and social contexts. This phenomenon is amplified today by the widespread use of smartphones, emails, social platforms, and digital tools, which allow people to be contacted anytime, day or night. The key issue is immediacy. The constant connectivity of the online world seeps into the real world, making the boundary between the two increasingly blurred and hard to distinguish. "Stimuli arrive instantly, generating the expectation of an equally rapid response. This has led to the development of a sort of urgency culture, where there is a perceived need to respond immediately, often compromising our peace of mind." There are two sides to this debate: on one side, those who feel anxiety about hyper-availability, and on the other, those who feel frustration and irritation when they don’t receive feedback within the expected time frame. "The idea has spread that constant availability is a sign of attention and commitment, with some arguing that 'you can always find a minute'," adds Cutrale. "However, what's often overlooked is that responding immediately to every external prompt can create a psychological burden, which can be more stressful for some than for others. The expectation of being always ready and reactive can weigh heavily on our mental well-being, as it fails to consider that finding 'a minute' for each interaction may be far more taxing than it seems, both emotionally and cognitively."

Availability is not an issue limited to the internet. The expert refers to the role stress theory (Kahn et al., 1964), which explains that individuals face role conflicts where the expectations from work, personal life, and the need to always be connected can overwhelm cognitive and emotional resources. Another relevant theory is the one that discusses burnout (Maslach & Jackson, 1981), which is closely related to hyper-availability, linking back to the concepts of hyper-connection and social pressure, both amplified by modern technology and potentially leading to chronic stress and anxiety. Burnout describes a state of emotional exhaustion, depersonalization, and reduced personal accomplishment, in this case caused by prolonged social/work-related stress and the expectations of others.

Offline or online? The onlife and network society

The concept of "onlife" emphasizes the deepening interconnection between our digital and physical lives, making the distinctions between online and offline obsolete. There are numerous sociological theories attempting to grasp this new reality, which are constantly evolving. For example, we can mention the concept of "network society" developed by Manuel Castells. The sociologist describes contemporary society as a "network society," where social, economic, and cultural relationships are increasingly mediated by digital technologies. According to Castells, computer networks are not just technical infrastructures but also social spaces where identities are constructed, information is exchanged, and new forms of power are generated. It seems that the physical and material space has merged with the immaterial one, leading us to believe there is no longer any degree of separation between our digital and real selves. According to the psychologist: "Today, many Gen Z youths spend much of their activities constantly thinking about how and when to share them on social media, worrying more about showing their life to others than living it authentically. Many young people, in fact, attend trips, concerts, or parties with an almost entirely online approach, focused on the social aspect of the event rather than the moment itself. Sometimes, the excitement for these experiences doesn't stem from a genuine interest but from the desire to show others that they are doing something important or interesting. In this way, personal enjoyment gives way to the pursuit of external approval. This confusion between real and virtual life risks alienating young people from reality itself, causing them to lose touch with the present and potentially leading to phenomena of derealization. In fact, when lived life becomes increasingly subordinated to its online representation, we risk losing the true meaning of the experience and the connection to the tangible reality."

Positive aspects of excessive availability

Behind the phenomenon of excessive availability, there could also be some positive aspects. Cutrale has identified some, such as efficiency and speed in communication, because being always available allows for quick responses to requests, rapid problem-solving, and the maintenance of constant workflows, potentially improving productivity. Similarly, this phenomenon can foster the improvement of professional and social relationships, as continuous availability can strengthen trust and collaboration between colleagues or with clients, demonstrating reliability. However, realistically, such a stressful phenomenon is unlikely to be genuinely productive and beneficial in the long term.

Negative aspects of excessive availability

On the negative side, significant issues such as mental overload and stress emerge. Constant availability creates a strong psychological pressure that fuels anxiety, stress, and a growing difficulty in disconnecting. Moreover, as the doctor explains, this condition leads to a reduction in the quality of free time, as continuous interruptions from notifications and messages prevent people from fully enjoying mental regeneration moments, negatively affecting rest and personal relationships. Hyper-availability can also lead to digital addiction, making it hard to disconnect from smartphones , social media, and emails, creating a continuous cycle of dependence. Another negative effect could be the blurring of boundaries between personal and professional life when this phenomenon occurs in the workplace. It makes people feel obligated to be available even outside of working hours, with serious repercussions on their mental and physical well-being. In short, excessive availability can offer some advantages in terms of connection and opportunity, but only if managed with balance.

Tips on how to improve digital etiquette

None of us have precise rules or guidelines for being the perfect "digital citizen," and being part of an online community is becoming increasingly complex. As the psychologist explains, improving our behavior—both in everyday life and as members of the digital community—requires awareness and respect for others. "What I would recommend applies equally to both digital and real life: listen actively to others, give sincere attention to those speaking, avoid interrupting, and show genuine interest. In short, practice empathetic active listening as much as possible. This helps strengthen relationships and makes others feel valued. Additionally, it's important to use respectful language, as words have a strong impact. Let's also remember that, being exposed to social media every day, we should avoid participating in any form of cyberbullying. Instead of engaging in negative dynamics, such as insults or public humiliation, we should promote a positive and constructive dialogue."