In NOvember, let's learn to say no with balance

At a certain point in my life—I’m not sure exactly when, but I felt the change after it happened—I stopped being the curious, chatty child I once was and began to stay silent, shrink myself, and live with the idea of taking up as little space and making as little noise as possible. I became, as the self-proclaimed therapists on TikTok would say, a full-fledged people pleaser, going quiet and saying "yes, okay, sure" to avoid conflict and protect myself. And it wasn’t just for others; I did it to keep my own peace. Mistakenly. 

Learning to Say NOvember 2024

There’s a lot of talk about learning to say no, but it’s easier said than done. In November 2024, more people are embracing this with humor through "NOvember." It’s "no" to situationships, to friends who bail last-minute, to stress, to lateness, to bosses with high demands, to reckless spending that we’ll regret by December. "No" to city traffic, neighbor disputes, and unhealthy lifestyles. Some post on social media, half-jokingly: "It’s NOvember. Just NO. I'm done," while others use this trend as a chance to make a few resolutions as the year draws to a close. 

An Exclusively Female Issue?

It’s a universal problem, this exhaustion weighing on us two months before the end of 2024, making us want to escape to a remote hideaway, leaving civilization behind. It’s also a sign of our historical moment. The privileges we enjoy as Westerners in the world’s wealthiest region don’t shield us from being overworked or from burnout, nor do they save us from popcorn brain, or from the demands of a warming and war-torn world. The difficulty in saying "no," finding time for ourselves, escaping FOMO, and establishing deep boundaries is collective before it’s individual. Psychological and endemic. But there’s something unique about having been raised and socialized as women in a patriarchal society. Taught to serve, even indirectly; watching our grandmothers wait to eat until everyone else had their plate. Sitting with the women in our families who cleaned up after meals while the men relaxed in front of the TV, hearing "keep him happy, so there’s no fighting" all our lives, only to then be disrespected at work and in "adult" spaces when we can’t assert ourselves because we didn’t know we could, never even knew it was an option. Not to mention the notion of consent in the sexual realm, which is still complex for men, who are used to not even asking. Saying no, in this case, is an act of rebellion, a constructive impulse. Not a rejection of the present but a foundation for a different future. Not all “no’s” are the same, in fact.

The “No’s” We Like

There are many ways to say "no," and not all of them are right or advisable. Turning off your phone to avoid the world's troubles, even briefly, can be healthy but is also a huge privilege that many can’t afford. Turning your back on problems may feel restful, but only in the moment. Saying no to a friend who needs a ride to the airport isn’t always self-care; sometimes, it’s isolation or even selfishness that could undermine the community we should be building around us. Perhaps the “no’s” we need are those that reject extreme individualism, that push back against disengagement, cynicism, and hopeless views of the present and future, against destructive forms of social activism. The “no’s” that build rather than tear down, that construct and elevate us—as women, as citizens, as humans in a world in desperate need of commitment, in every sense.