The "bare minimum" has never been enough

In Italy (and in the world, but let's start small), there's a serious problem with femicide. But even before that, there's a problem with women, with patriarchy, with power dynamics between genders, with violence, with the gender pay gap, in families, at work, at university and even at the doctor’s office. There's also a problem of denial of all these issues. From the government down, patriarchy is ignored at best, completely denied at worst. It sounds absurd, but here we are again, having to prove its existence in the face of violent news headlines, trying to convince the public (and politicians!) that this is real, and it kills.

Femicide in Italy: a cultural issue (stuck on repeat)

We're facing a difficult and dangerous situation: while women are being killed, assaulted, and harassed for power and control, for dissatisfaction or for incel radicalization, we're constantly told these violent men are just isolated cases, bad apples. Nothing systemic to worry about. And yet, young people on social media idolize them, call upon them every time a woman does or says something they don't like — whether it’s questioning the system, showing “too much,” or sharing a negative experience. They turn these men into role models, into the very system they claim doesn’t exist. So, where’s the truth? We know it: it's in a society built on violence and oppression, starting with comments and ending in murder: all on the same spectrum, with varying degrees of severity. But some people don't know that, or pretend not to.

The "not all men" problem

Men don’t seem to realize that when we talk about “the system,” it’s not a personal attack. Instead of confronting their friends or engaging in self-reflection, going to therapy, or acknowledging misogynistic behavior, they jump to defend themselves: “Not me! That’s not true! Patriarchy doesn’t exist because I am a good person!” What they don’t understand is that this individualistic attitude isolates the causes of the issue, which are actually deeply interwoven with every part of our lives. These dynamics are often reinforced unconsciously among friends, in real life, on social media, or on Telegram, every time a sexist or rape-culture-fueled joke is met with “hahaha” instead of “what the hell are you saying?”. Men also don’t realize that saying they “finally understood the issue” once they became fathers, brothers, uncles, or cousins proves the point that if something doesn’t happen to you or someone close to you, then it must not exist. And let’s not forget those who still, in 2025, try to blame women. “What did she say to him?” “What did she do to provoke him?” “She shouldn’t have rejected him!” But if you don’t reject them, they’ll throw your body count back in your face. You can’t win, unless staying alive is considered a win, sometimes.

Women settling for the "bare minimum"

And sometimes, tragically, even women fall into the trap. We've seen it on TikTok recently. In response to the violent news in Italy, some girls posted videos with their boyfriends, saying how lucky they were to be with a man who treats them well, implying (hopefully unintentionally) that it’s about choosing the right man, thus once again shifting the responsibility to the woman in the relationship. Why do we praise men for doing the bare minimum required to be decent human beings? The logic is flawed, even if it's meant to be hopeful. How are we supposed to know in advance that a boyfriend will behave well? Why are we expecting girls to be able to predict the future rather than expecting respect from boys? Aren’t we then suggesting that decent behavior from a male partner is the exception, not the norm? Individualizing a systemic problem is a mistake — for everyone. It makes us lose focus, underestimate the seriousness and depth of the issue. Leaving young boys alone, vulnerable to online radicalization, is a mistake too. Demanding more and focusing on proper education could be a solution. But we have to get there together. And fast, too. Because the bare minimum is no longer enough. It never was, and it never will be.