Bella Hadid goes back talking about her mental health

Bella Hadid "opens her heart" to Vogue USA. The star of the April issue with a series of shots taken by Ethan James Green on his family's farm in Pennsylvania, the model talks about herself in a long interview, speaking uncensored about her life in the spotlight, fashion, mental health and her constant feeling of inadequacy compared to the standards imposed by her job and her sister Gigi. 

"I was the uglier sister. I was the brunette. I wasn’t as cool as Gigi, not as outgoing. And unfortunately when you get told things so many times, you do just believe it."

You end up believing it even though you're the cover girl in every major magazine, a beauty adored by legions of stylists and thousands of fans.  So, for a long time, Bella felt out of place, so much so that she begged her parents to let her have a nose job (the only surgery she swears she had). A decision she made at the age of 14, which she regrets today, "I wish I had kept the nose of my ancestors".

Shy and introverted, Bella Hadid suffered from a true inferiority complex towards her older sister, which over time turned into systemic insecurity capable of undermining not only her self-esteem or her relationship with food, but also her mental health, leading her to abuse alcohol and have toxic relationships with men. Just a few months ago, she shared a touching post on Instagram in which she confessed her struggle with depression, which at times prevents her from getting out of bed, remarking "Social media is not real. Remember that. Sometimes all you need is to feel that you are not alone."  

Loneliness and panic attacks have been with her for a long time.

"For three years while I was working, I would wake up every morning hysterical, in tears, alone. I would go to work, cry at lunch in my little greenroom, finish my day, go to whatever random little hotel I was in for the night, cry again, wake up in the morning, and do the same thing."

Her only defense was wearing a mask, pretending everything was fine, feigning confidence and bravado "over the years I became a good actress. I put on a very smiley face, or a very strong face. I always felt like I had something to prove." That unsustainable cycle was broken, as she tells it, on the first day of New York Fashion Week. After working 15 days straight, eight more rehearsals and three runway shows awaited her. Too much. So, for the first time, she chose not to participate.

"I always ask myself, how did a girl with incredible insecurities, anxiety, depression, body-image issues, eating issues, who hates to be touched, who has intense social anxiety—what was I doing getting into this business?"

Bella also points out that feeling overwhelmed and inadequate, subjected to grueling rhythms that bring physical and mental stress, also happens to many of her colleagues: "I’ve had girls in my lap crying to me at four in the morning, still at fittings for a show when they have to be at another show at 7 a.m. Completely destroyed, hair burned off, haven’t eaten anything, exhausted to the point where they’re shaking."

The burnout she suffered in early 2021 led Bella to spend two and a half weeks in a Tennessee treatment center and begin a course of therapy that she considers "the greatest gift she has ever given herself." But more importantly, it has led to her having a new self-awareness and rethinking her priorities: 

"I don't have FOMO for parties or going out. I have FOMO for work. [...] All I do in my personal life is literally make sure my mental state stays afloat [...] Fashion can destroy you. [...] When you are forced to be perfect every day, in every picture, you start to look at yourself and need to see perfection at all times, and it’s just not possible."

Work, but also a lot of life. Once she stepped off the catwalk, stepping out of the spotlight became a fundamental and rejuvenating defense for her. That's why she has chosen to distance herself from her partners, not to talk about her relationship with boyfriend Marc Kalman, and to spend her time on the family farm following a daily routine consisting of nature walks, meditation, writing on her diary and time with her sister and niece.